As the year ends...

... I sit and look back at what this year brought to me, as well as what it took away. The reality of a big life change sank in this year, I've gotten to know myself better than ever before and I've actually discovered things I never knew about myself (I like hiking! Who knew?!).

I want to take advantage of this year, there's only more room for growth. With my new found love of the outdoors I'm sure changing up my workout and/or keeping my metabolism up will be fun. I found this image online and it's like it was almost made for me:

1. Duh.
2. Double duh.
3. Working on it!
4. <no comment>
5. Yes, please!
6. Ugh, but only if I have to! :}
7. I want to at least make progress towards being debt-free.
8. Only one that doesn't apply. I talk to my beautiful mom every single day, I love her to pieces :)







I'm going to make it up to 10, here's the two additional resolutions:
9. Blog more
10. Go back to school!

I'm realistic, I know there's the likelihood that some of this will not happen but this is me trying to keep a positive attitude and start the year off with the right frame of mind.

Happy 2011 Everyone!

Beautiful. Resourceful. Ignorant. Memorable: I'm Nothing.

The importance of high self-esteem is invaluable. I know this because mine has a tendency to waver, falter, crash, vanish, flourish for an instant and then disappear on me. It's all vanity really, and I am trying really hard to let it go. But I have sadly become my own worst enemy; the things I mutter and say to myself at times are scary. It seems silly, but it really isn't.

I have this darkness that clouds over me sometimes and the world then becomes shades of gray and pitch black. I want to learn to love myself again, but not in a cocky way. There are many physical changes I'd like to make happen but the struggle also goes deeper than the skin. I want to let go of envy, it's unhealthy. I want to let go of that deep-seated hatred that creeps up sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself on a particularly dark day.

My point today is that change needs to start from the inside, how you view yourself doesn't necessarily affect how others see you but it affects how you see yourself perceived by others... that makes sense to me :).

Here's a piece I wrote over two years ago, it fits:

Sitting here I find
myself
Rotting away
in my own way
Once again
I look at myself
Sorrow, contempt
bitterness and hate
Are just a few
of the top 10
Knowing better
than to dwell
I still drown
in the misery
I know so well
Maybe it's my choice
and I fail to take the
blame
If I listen to my voice
I will die from the
shame
Sorrow, contempt
bitterness and hate
Maybe I'll just be content
with the choices that I've made

There's no positive note to end this post on, just the hope that voicing and sharing my burden will help alleviate its weight on me.

~Thank you.

Of sleep deprivation and other maladies

I've been reading a wide array of books, forums, blogs, websites, magazines, etc.; all about weight loss (or "healthier lifestyle"). While some of the suggestions don't seem realistic for my current lifestyle (cooking more, for example... as if, lol), I've come to realize that there are a few basic things I am capable of doing and just don't.

Sleep more! Today I am running on a consolidated 4+ hours of sleep maybe? The longest stretch of sleep I got all night was maybe 1.5hrs, the rest was intermittent thanks to my son who was somehow awake until the wee hours of the morning.

Drink more water. I'm getting pretty good at this, some days I drink up to 70oz of water; but then there are days that I'm lucky to drink 20 ounces. I need consistency. And better information on this one, I've read the standard 8 x 8 (eight 8oz glasses) of

water/day are enough, then I've used a water intake calculator that based on my weight and activity level put me at over 100oz a day, and then there's the fitness trainer who says drink a gallon of water a day... I think I'll aim at a gallon when I start hitting the gym hard and consistently and be content with 64+ ounces in the meantime.

Eat more fruits/vegetables. Right now my only source of fruits is the fruit medley in my sangrias. Sad, I know. As far as vegetables go, I'll sometimes order steamed broccoli with my food; the equivalent of a diet soda with a monster burger, haha.

I think I can manage to make these small changes to start. Hell they can even be my dreaded New Year's resolutions! =D

Call me The Grinch - I hate the holidays!

The holidays make it notoriously difficult for some people to stick to healthier and cleaner eating. It makes it virtually impossible for me to settle into any kind of routine as far as diet/exercise. Oh and yes, I am aware that this is just an excuse and if I really want it I would still do it so... suck it :).

I'm over halfway through a four-day weekend, and snowed in since early today. I have been stuffing my face without care and hiding behind the holiday excuse. I didn't get to go home for Christmas so I have been resorting to my all-too-familiar "comfort foods" to fill the void, and to look for the satiety that never quite gets here.

I stopped making New Year's resolutions when I realized I was setting myself up for failure year after year. I might give myself another chance this year though; I read an article in Fitness Magazine about making less broad and generic resolutions and choosing instead something realistic and practical. I'll give it some thought and see what I come up with.

I spend a lot of time reading other blogs and looking at pictures that inspire me. Below is one that really does it for me, this is Anday from BodySpace at bodybuilding.com:

I love love LOVE her defined stomach!

Dear scale: I hate you, but I love you!

So my weight's been fluctuating like crazy lately. Water retention, binging, starvation, bloating. You name it. I know better than to get on the scale every day but do I listen? Nooo, why on earth would I do something as sensible as follow my own sound advice? So I torture myself almost every stinking day. I will only do it if I'm home and not in an insane rush; always after my shower and having used the bathroom and completely naked (I've since moved the full-body mirror from the front of the damn scale... I'm not that much of a masochist!).

But I digress, this morning I hopped on and saw with mild pleasure that my weight was 154.4lbs. Granted I went out drinking on an empty stomach and pissed my face off so that may have something to do with it. I can feel myself being overcome by the power of the scale, it consumes me to the point that the number that pops up in the morning determines my mood for the rest of the day. When I posted my stats yesterday I listed what I was on the 9th, I have an app on my phone for tracking weight, here's what's gone on (and up and down) since December 9th:

• Dec 9th - 156.2lbs
• Dec 14th - 155.0lbs
• Dec 16th - 154.8lbs -> Quick trip to NY, lots of good food and drinks and then...
• Dec 20th - 157.0lbs
• Dec 21st - 158.0lbs
• Dec 22nd - 157.0lbs
• Dec 23rd - 154.4lbs

See that shit ^? That's why I shouldn't weigh myself daily. There's no way in hell I actually, literally lost 2.6lbs overnight. There isn't. I just really starved myself after lunch and then drank my calories instead. So yeah, they'll creep up on me, and I will bitch and whine. Story of my goddamn life. I don't understand why it's all so simple in theory but I just seem incapable of breaking the cycle!

Here I am considering Chipotle for lunch... and I will get pissed when someone (mom) mentions that I can't bitch about being fat if I don't control what I eat. Again, idiotic on my part. I have no self-control, none whatsoever. I have no sense of commitment, and I don't follow through with shit. But I want to change. I really do... Here's hoping "/.

And off I go...

Hello -- So I've been struggling with my first post; what to write, what to post (pics? no pics?), what format, what font... that's my OCD kicking in. So I decided to let it go, just start posting and edit and tweak as I go.


As I posted on my bio (look left), "the purpose of this blog is to track my progress and use as a motivational tool." That's my weight loss progress I'm talking about. I am unhappy with the way I look right now, call me vain and see if I care. I want to like my body again; don't get me wrong, I love that it birthed my son, and I love that I can walk and talk and run and laugh and eat and drink so please don't mistake this for a sad "my life is so pathetic because I'm not thin" blog. That's not it at all.


I'm still working out the format of the blog in posts to come, but I wanted to get started and let that flow naturally. The layout/font/pictures/description/title may change, but the goal will always remain the same. I hope you will follow me along.


Here are my stats as of Dec 9, 2010:
Age: 31
Height: 5' 2"
--------------------------
Weight: 156.2lbs
Bust: 40"
Waist: 33"
Hips: 43"


I have more measurements but find them irrelevant at this point. I also have 'starter' pictures that I took on that day, but don't have them on this computer so I will see about posting them tonight. Add a number of question marks to that previous sentence because I can't promise anything picture-wise.


Oh and one more thing. I know I'm not morbidly obese, in fact I know I'm nowhere near that. BUT I am not happy with the way I look, this is strictly about me making changes that affect my life, body and mind.


So... let's get started!