Beautiful. Resourceful. Ignorant. Memorable: I'm Nothing.

The importance of high self-esteem is invaluable. I know this because mine has a tendency to waver, falter, crash, vanish, flourish for an instant and then disappear on me. It's all vanity really, and I am trying really hard to let it go. But I have sadly become my own worst enemy; the things I mutter and say to myself at times are scary. It seems silly, but it really isn't.

I have this darkness that clouds over me sometimes and the world then becomes shades of gray and pitch black. I want to learn to love myself again, but not in a cocky way. There are many physical changes I'd like to make happen but the struggle also goes deeper than the skin. I want to let go of envy, it's unhealthy. I want to let go of that deep-seated hatred that creeps up sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself on a particularly dark day.

My point today is that change needs to start from the inside, how you view yourself doesn't necessarily affect how others see you but it affects how you see yourself perceived by others... that makes sense to me :).

Here's a piece I wrote over two years ago, it fits:

Sitting here I find
myself
Rotting away
in my own way
Once again
I look at myself
Sorrow, contempt
bitterness and hate
Are just a few
of the top 10
Knowing better
than to dwell
I still drown
in the misery
I know so well
Maybe it's my choice
and I fail to take the
blame
If I listen to my voice
I will die from the
shame
Sorrow, contempt
bitterness and hate
Maybe I'll just be content
with the choices that I've made

There's no positive note to end this post on, just the hope that voicing and sharing my burden will help alleviate its weight on me.

~Thank you.